I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
