i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
