Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
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