I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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