I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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