Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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