Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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