I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
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