I think im going to throw up on grandma
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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