If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
