Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
