for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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