"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
