When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
