i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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