you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
