so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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