First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
