I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
