oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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