Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
