I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
