I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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