life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
