you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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