Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
