The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
