just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
