What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
We need to rekindle our bromance
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize
