can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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