LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
