It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
