he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
