Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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