if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
