how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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