forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
he thought i was a dude.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
