The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
third nipple confirmed
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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