I puked a lego.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
40s are totally the cure
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Randomize
