I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
