my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
