Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
