i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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