His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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