I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
