I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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