There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
