Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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