I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Randomize
