i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
