these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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