Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
