don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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