i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
