I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
