Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
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