I think scott just propositioned me for sex
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
