Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Randomize
